Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
goldfish mafia
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?