Ion see the issue
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Just say no
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.