“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.