PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch