[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape