The glory of fall.
You Might Also Like
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Breaking news:
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it