If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?