Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
You Might Also Like
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I love you…
…r dog.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer