Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.