My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
cyclists
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Möther may I have a snäck
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
This is me 🤣🤣
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity