My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
SPLOOT
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry