20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Blew out my flip flop…
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…