Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Breaking news:
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.