How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
i want to work in this restaurant
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I need a headline like this
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!