went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.