My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
This is a true ally.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’m awake but I object,
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.