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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀