Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT