I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
You Might Also Like
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
#titanic
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.