What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
every college guy’s fridge
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The struggle is real.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles