My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
You Might Also Like
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Nice try, poison.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor