*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
When can I start eating bats again.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive