Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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My kitchen overserved me.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!