Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.