I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.