So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Not helping
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION