Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you