My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If only
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?