[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
the red hot silly peppers
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I just love that new Pope smell.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo