“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
bought wrong eggs
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
This took me a second..
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now