Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
True
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.