[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Cannot stop laughing at this
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”