Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You Might Also Like
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”