I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
estão todos miauvindo?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people