If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.