You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE