Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…