I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.