Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great