Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”