When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
<- sleeps well with others
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.