“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I came this close!!!!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Um … Hot Wings please
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.