HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When they try to steal your moment.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’m dying louder than usual today.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot