“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Gods work.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.