All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
listen closely
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers