[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I want what they have
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener