Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”