Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Legend 🤣🤣
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The Backseat Boys
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP