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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.