Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me when my alarm goes off
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?